call me a health guru.

My face is red all over, my body is HOT. I am unfortunately one of those people who, after taking a few (dozen) running steps, become fire engine trucks. Luckily there is no siren effect to draw even more attention to me, but you bet after every gym class in school your girl was the collectively known "tomato" of the bunch. It's not even that I am in a horrible shape (well, that as well), but I believe the main culprit is simply my skin type, or the thinness of it. Everyone's blood rises to their head when shaken up, but mine just wishes for everyone to know I have just gone through something physically strenous. Just some of my blood soup saying "hi" to all the passer-bys. And people still ask me why I don't like to exercise in public (no one ever asked but still, smh.) 

Yes, I will go to shower after having written this, but I just wanted to catch some fresh thoughts to archive them and construct a little encouragement/pep-talk to myself...

Bitch, I want you to keep exercising. You want you to keep exercising. We talked about this, didn't we. Suddenly was reminded of baked salmon with dill. That's good stuff. When are they going to invent vegan salmon? And cottage cheese?

So yeah, I am in a horrible shape. Not the worst but definitely not the best. I can do a hundred jumping jacks and feel okay, but if I run for more than 5 minutes I will become a carcass at the side of the road. I don't like it. I want to be able to run to catch a bus without arriving there with my face fully red, panting for five minutes like a dehydrated gorilla (no offense to gorillas, just the metaphor came to me first; I actually love gorillas, they are so freaking intelligent and pure and beautiful) because I had to jog 100 meters. I want to just run for fun sometimes, feel like I am gliding, and feel fine. I want to dance and become more flexible and strong and just in general become AN EMBODIMENT OF VITALITY. I want to feel and look effortless in my movements instead of every hop triggering a minor earthquake just because I am uncoordinated and clumsy.

So, my dear Helisa, please keep up your exercising and it will pay off one of these days, sooner than you think. And think about your long-term health too! 

I am a slight hypochondriac sometimes, afraid of every weird unusual thing in my body being a potential cancer. I have a lot of moles all over my body and some time ago I read that having more than 11 moles on your arm can be an indicator of a risk to develop skin cancer. 11... I HAVE 38! 

I have felt positive and good for three days in a row now and I'm kind of dreading the moment I will start feeling depressed again. There's that dark cloud hanging above me again; I know it's there but I can't predict when it will burst. It happens so suddenly. Something as insignifigant and small as a certain kind of look from a stranger can sometimes rip the surface and drop the heaviness on me. Something worth noting though, is that my mood tends to be lifted a lot when I talk about the emotions and negative thoughts to someone, or write it all down so that it's no longer only in my head, where there is a lack of objective and fresh ideas. It helps me to see the lack of logic in such feelings. It's why it's important to have this... 

Off to shower!

(this was written on 11th of May. It is not the 30th... I definitely did NOT stick to it.)