thoughts... on relationships and stuff

He's somewhere out there now. Not with me, not today. It was as sudden as it was expected, but I suppose you can never be too ready for the waves that life throws at you. Sometimes you get so accustomed to a certain speed and height that you forget about something you already foresaw and thought quite obvious. It's like walking past a building everyday on your way to work or school and thus becoming rather blind to it, and then being taken aback one day when it is gone. Or like how that one small animal - perhaps it was a shrew? - never strays from its one and only path, and then when a rock for example rolls on its way or the path is in any other way disrupted, it has to go back to where it started and move back and forth multiple times to finally realize that something indeed cut its path and it has to alter the path to go around the object. It seems that people are the same kind of beings of habit. New information must now change our behavior accordingly, and that will eventually form the replacing habit.

There is quite a lot to discover about being human, and about being alive. You begin to notice patterns in your own and in others' behavior, and in a way it gives you confidence, because it makes you realize there are some things bigger than your own self. 

Interesting question that just popped into my mind: is life best lived fast, or slow. Time of course can not be altered or chained in place, or fast forwarded. Minutes will not become longer or shorter out of will, and whatever you choose to do, life goes by just the same. However, living fast, to me always sounds high in movement; a person who is driven by the desires and callings of the present, and who observes readily the world around them, ready to jump in any train that happens to choo-choo past them. Perhaps such a person gathers many treasures along the way which support their lifestyle, and so their life is best built in this way - what comes may. I can see it being extremely fulfilling. Such spirits are true adventurers and I am endlessly happy to have met some in my past as well. Others should never attempt holding these people in place, and they should not be encouraged to pursue a steady and secure life that may be suitable for majority of people, but not for them. It is a disservice to the adventurers themselves, and it is also a disservice to the person attempting it. 

Then there are slow-living people. Whether one prefers a slow or fast life doesn't equal introversion or extraversion, nor necesserily spontaneous vs. organisational personality either. In a way it is individual perference. People will likely experience both in their life-time, but there is most often one predominant way. Slow living people, I imagine, are people who to an extent enjoy routine and calmness in their surroundings. They don't desire much novelty in their day-to-day and they find enjoyment in things they know thoroughly, that invoke familiarity, whether it is people or hobbies, or places. When trying to, often for other people's sake, be more daring or more "interesting" and versatile in their pursuits, they can easily lose sight of themselves and become chaotic and indecisive instead, because they may just be living a lie in which they are much too immersed to see the truth.

What do I feel? How do I feel? Is this the person I want to spend my life with? These are questions I am now facing. I have been prompted to write down the things which I want and require in a relationship. I have been prompted to evaluate, and to make decisions, as I have come to realize what a terrible thing indecisiveness can be to a person themself, as well as to the people around them. I realize that I desperately need alone-time to reflect. The song "Hyperballad" keeps coming back to me, where Bjork sings that she needs to discard certain things each morning from her mind, so she can "feel happier to be safe up here with" the object of her love. I believe it is true to me as well, and in my own way I have been exercising "throwing things off of a cliff" to be able to face others with the affection and love they deserve. I am glad to have this time to myself, today.

So, again, what do I want from my relationship, and even more so, from my life? It sometimes gets difficult to evaluate all the things that might prove meaningful when there are simply so many paths one could walk upon. When I am asked about what I see happening in the future I become perplexed. I can only see flashes of insight in such moments, which to me are entirely untrustworthy. Is it because I don't think well and hard enough about it all? I can not tell. I am simply unsure how to approach it. Or perhaps I'm scared.

I believe I am one of the slow-living people. It translates as myself being a person who finds her peace in observing and being a part of the still and unchanging things of life: the things which move cyclically and are to an extent predictable. I enjoy discovering the patterns and connections between different things, because once I have understood and realized them fully, they become a source of comfort and peace. Of course my observations, ideas and "schemas" are all individualistic, just as spirituality, to me, is a highly personal matter. I will not be as arrogant as to judge and belittle others' views in comparison to my own. It remains questionable whether it is beneficial for me to attempt correcting other people's mindsets and steering them towards something I perceive as healthier. Perhaps that's where comparing ideas comes into action. It may not be "moral" to try and force your own ideas onto others, but through open-minded conversations you can gift some seeds of your own insight to be planted into the fields of others, if they choose to accept them.

As a slow-living person, I have realized I am not everyone's cup of tea. I tend to be quite serious and I often introspect and analyze to the point where it becomes draining and tiresome to others. At the same time, what drains me, is the pretence I have been upholding towards multiple people in my life, perhaps all of them. The side of me that is poured onto here rarely but peeks out in my day-to-day life - the side of me that I connect with the most. And when I have tried to shine it outside, it is easily misunderstood, especially because my skills of communication are not always prime. Concepts become difficult to explain in formulas that make sense outside my own mind.

Of interest at this time would be the pretense I uphold in front of my partner. Perhaps the biggest thing that is troubling me lately is the lack of my alone time in the apartment we share, though it tends to often slip my mind. I find myself somewhat on edge most of the time as he continues to do his work beside me, and I find myself craving for a place out of sight, out of reach. He means no harm of course, but if I am there and available, he has the tendency to cut through my concentration and break it, draw it onto something he is working on instead. I love that he tells me what is on his mind at all times, as it makes me feel at ease and secure, but at the same time it can be quite harmful to my own mental balance. Luckily this has an easy fix. I can simply move into a different room, or go outside and find a place of peace. In this city it is not quite possible, as everywhere I go, I see people, and people equal distractions. It brings me to the second requirement.

I desperately need a place or a space where my creative pursuits remain unbothered by others. I often find myself fantasizing about having an apartment or a hut, or a cottage, something that is entirely my own, where my mind can expand to its full capacity. It would be a place devoid of phones and technology (though I would likely want a "work" laptop and a speaker, hehe): a corner where no one can hinder my spiritual and creative process. Perhaps at times I would take people there, who I know will respect it, and who I think might find inspiration in it as well. That would actually be of quite an importance to me. The core of it still remains the same: in this space, your thoughts and emotions are only your own, and explaining or presenting them to others disrupts and taints the entire purpose of such sacred space. In fact, this space is supposed to represent your thoughts and emotions in the physical reality. Therefore it is important for it to not be influenced from outside in that moment.

I wonder if my view of relationships is too "magical", and whether my expectations are too high. I don't really buy into my mother's view of everything being essentially mundane and insufferable. It was difficult for me to grow up in such an environment, I think, as any real spirituality was prohibited in order to be a "good Christian". Curiosity was in fact the poison that killed the cat, and the only acceptable sources of information must have been the ones my mother's religious organization had chosen for us. In my mother's defense it was the thing she thought right to do at the time, and neither she or I benefit from my holding grudges or pointing fingers. Of course I eventually ended up rejecting her faith, but instead of exploring my own spiritual inclinations after, I was still thirsty for acceptance, so I learned to behave in a way that guaranteed me just that from everyone around me. It is interesting to think now how it will all be when I go back to my home town, and meet all the people there. I can't help but see them as kinds of relics covered in dust, so deep in denial that it has become a safety blanket for them. And it might just be too late for them to change... It is a true tragedy - one I do not intend to trap myself into.

I feel quite satisfied in my current relationship. In fact I feel happy, and while thinking of it now, I feel those butterflies flapping away inside my chest. Winter... Every person is bound to have something about them that clashes with your own personality and interests, but in the end it's not about finding a perfect replica of yourself, but about finding a person who brings new growth, and makes you appreciate the things you already have in your life, rather than a yearning for what is not there. The tricky thing is, however, that the person who is going to actually provide you with all of those things mentioned, is yourself. Does the compability of you and your partner matter? - Yes. But what is equally important is how much you both are willing to work to be happy with one another, and before all else, yourselves.

Relationships are not about finding "missing pieces" of the self. Sure, a healthy and gratifying relationship will bring a light in your life that has no match, but at the end of the day you must be a "whole" when entering a relationship. If you walk into it thinking that this person will not leave your side, and therefore you can just lean on them no matter what, you are terribly mistaken. You can not steal from other people in order to finish the piece of work that you yourself are, and you must not use their insights to build a base for yourself, even though it can be beneficial to borrow some knowledge and wisdom from your "elders", and I absolutely encourage always seeking new information.

...

I feel a bit confused again. Or, not quite confused, but more so anxious. I feel it in my stomach, chest, throat... What if we really are not meant to be? Last time I wasn't really getting to the point, just rambling away about something vague and impersonal. What do I need? Why do I feel unexcited, like I'm sometimes beating away at a cave wall, trying to find something sparkling. Or am I supposed to see the beauty of the gray stone? How can I stay inside the cave if there is nothing there for me to admire, and the world waits outside, full of wonders? It's not to say that there aren't treasures in you, but it gets tiring to constantly try and mine them out. Why don't you show me something magical? 

The things I don't care for, you do? The things I care for, you don't? I feel ashamed sometimes to share my thoughts, thinking it will be just background noise to you, forgotten soon after; that you will not really care about the words that come out of my mouth. But perhaps it is the same for me too. Then again, do you even share with me things that really matter? Sometimes I think I can sense something bubbling beneath the surface that you are holding back and restricticting. I wish you would show me. Maybe it would scare me away, but even if so, wouldn't it be better for us to know? Maybe it's the thing I have been hoping to see...

We are quite different, aren't we. I really have been supressing my spirit, thinking it's not the right way for a person to be, too unstable and flighty, too dreamy... Like a little cloud, always changing. Not what you wanted from me? Do you really want me as I am, or do you just want a version of me that compliments you? It must mean I don't really want you as yourself either, if it is so. I want someone to look at me and see beyond flesh. See something behind my eyes, not just the colour and shape of them. See there's something beautiful within me that's also within you, within everyone, within the entire planet Earth, the entire cosmos; what keeps us revolving around one another, what keeps us loving...

You want to make future plans. You want to know what will happen in the following years, and I suppose you depend on yourself to build your future, to make plans and to find what you need and want in life. It could be suggested that I, then, rely on others to build my future, but I see that as untrue as well. I want to build my own future just like you do, but I just engage with it differently. I don't think about it consciously, but as the days pass, I realize more and more of what I need in my life. Slowly progressing... Perhaps that's how it also started for you, and you just came a longer way already into seeing yourself more clearly. Either way, it makes me guilty of accepting your tangible dreams and being willing to adapt my untangible ones to them. I wish we talked more of how we want to feel, instead of what we want to have. Or is that what you have been trying to communicate to me all this time? 

You say everything will eventually be routine-like; we will be tired and life will prove to be full of difficulties we must tread through. Gosh. Can't I be young and without this weight on my shoulders for just a moment while I still can? Can't I always stay that way? Maybe I am too idealistic for my own good. Why is that such a horrible thing to be anyway? People keep projecting their own failures and fears onto me and I guess that's how it will always be. But why must we be always expecting the worst? The worst will always come true to people who refuse to open their hearts and minds to something better. 

I think I may need to spend these years on my own if there will not be a person who can share my growth. It scares me quite a bit. In practice, what am I going to do? I am still afraid of the people, what they think of me and how I will be find my place in a world where all the spots seem to already have pre-existing requirements for the one who takes a seat. You either take a seat and break and bend yourself into someone completely different, miserable for the rest of your life, or color outside the lines and indeed, be on the outside. Both options seem quite torturous in the end. In one you depend on other people's approval to feel pleasure and self-esteem, and in the other you are utterly alone, but at least you still have your freedom. And eventually, perhaps you clear your perfect own path, after much suffering. 

Or maybe one could live their life day by day, without obsessing much over what is to come. I'm afraid this kind of philosophy doesn't much appeal to me either though, as I am simply not someone who can step outside of their thought-world so easily. I would surely end up being untrue, still, and regretting the choices I have made by the time I am old and gray, and my life is nearing its end. 

People. They must be the ones who make it all worthwhile, as long as you don't change yourself according to them. I certainly have done so in the past - tried to change. I need someone who will share my passion for life, for nature and for wisdom, and the hidden magic of it all. I want a heart that will sing with mine. That's what I saw in you at first. I thought you saw it all too, were reaching for something more divine than all that which is mundane and planted into our minds by others. Some might say I have an overly active imagination, that I am just a dreamer and that nothing I see is real, but I ask them, who decides what's real and what's not? Governments? The bible? Scientists? I sure would hope for people to trust the hard facts of science, so to treat their children medically and to not try and deny what can be objectively proven, but at the end of the day we all decide what's real to us. 

I really don't need much. For me to stay by someone's side, I just need to see that they see a glimmer of what I see. That their minds have the ability to expand over the immediately available. That's why I struggle enjoying sex as well, struggle to be seen sexually... You told me that it is merely physical to you, mostly devoid of anything spiritual. Sure, you like me and all, and wouldn't engage in sex with just any random person... But do you really think so or was that your experience in your previous relationship? All I know is it makes it difficult to feel attracted to you, in the way that I do. It becomes difficult to know what you see in me, above all else. I don't really care whether I am good-looking in front of the people I love, and I don't care about their appearance either, but if that's what they are thinking about, well... How horribly depressing. I would exchange all the physical touch in the world for thoughts, dreams and emotions. To me they are much grander, and I suppose I want them to be so for the person I share my life with as well...

My body, well, I hope it could provide us some mutual happiness and fun, but I don't feel safe when I'm subjected to lust. Could it be erased from all people's minds? I feel life would be so much more beautiful and harmonious. Does sex have to be so serious? Or does it seem dangerous to me just because I don't understand it? Biology, instincts... God. I hate it all. Off I go to my fucking castle in the clouds to escape this overwhelming, ugly carnality that I'm supposed to participate in to be considered "normal".