THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING NEW IT FEELS SO RIGHT TO BE HERE WITH YOUU OOOHH

It's difficult to distinguish when this was pushed into motion. 

Perhaps it was overdue for a while already, and today was the day that I finally took action.

Perhaps...

I have come to pay attention that I often use words and expressions such as "perhaps", "I guess", and "I feel like", even when I am very certain that what I'm saying is true. This was pointed out to me by a friend who took notice in my unobtrusive word choices. Whether it is a blessing or a curse to myself and the people around me (as everything, it seems it can be both), I am a person who seeks harmony, and wishes to stay humble and grounded, keeping my ego in check. In the back of my mind there is always the notion of "you can't know for sure". This time, however, I have been having similar flashes of clarity for a while already. I believe I am ready.

I don't really have much to do with dandelions, honestly. I actually already experience a kind of second-hand embarrasment due to the name I have chosen for this blog. It seems to have a "I am unique and special, admire me" -kind of ring to it, which reminds me of a time in my life when I was truly trying hard to push such an idea - onto myself, onto others... Of course, writing something like this to a platform where other people can stumble upon also seems like a quiet whisper, or a wish to be seen and heard, and understood. Either way, the cool girls in school used to have blogs like this, and I always fantasized about being so lovely as to have people read about my life. Turns out I wasn't exactly born that way. I was never the kind of person who'd be in the middle of a crowd of smiling faces; I was that girl who sat closer to the walls and watched other people have their fun. I think there's a special kind of beauty in that as well...

Back to dandelions. They were as spontaneous of an event as was the creation of this blog. I wonder if a god created the universe as spontaneously. I don't know what's beyond the universe, but let's just, for example, imagine a little clear-watered pond full of some divine waterlilies, and the sky is of colours that would seem supernatural to beings such as us earthlings, reflected onto the milky water. In front of his small and charming summerhouse by the pond, there sits a god on a little wooden stool, painting pretty pictures on his magical canvas. His paint brushes are buried in the tangles of his ancient white beard running laps around the pond, and the sky is his palette. He then has a thought like any artist or writer, of creating a world of his own, and he imagines the universe, and he paints it, and it all comes to life as he makes more brush strokes. Perhaps the trees around his pond were purple, and there were fish-like creatures residing in the trees and bird-like creatures in the pond, but he thought it fun to paint the trees green and the birds in trees and fishes in water. If there is a god or creator of our world, well, I would hope he was more like what has just been described, rather than how religions portray him: perhaps a tortured soul like all of us with a little too much time on his hands, going a little too far in seeing through his world and its residents. I would not want to bear all that crap going on down here on my mortal shoulders. Maybe he could not bear it on his immortal ones either.

It was a beautiful day today. I went to take out the trash, and in the process I just so happened to become mesmerized by the hundreds, perhaps thousands of dandelions lining the streets. Summer is coming, it's for sure. Hell, it might already be here! 

I hesitated at first as there were quite a few people around, and I'm not too keen on attracting attention to myself, but eventually I decided to go and pick myself a bouquet of those sunshine flowers, as the disappointment of leaving them behind would have weighed heavier on me. Or more so, the disappointment in myself, of being cowardly. Things lost: 0. Things gained: bouquet of sunshine and a warm smile from a grandma. If to make it into an equation, the result is pure joy.

I placed my flowers into an empty jar. Unfortunately they are already dying, which was to be expected, of course. I am a monster. Remind me to never pick flowers again, and to grow them in pots instead. Basically I claimed up to 20 lives today, of innocent sweet beautiful flowers at that. Welp, time to become a breatharian.

By the time I was back, flowers in the jar, occupied by some other task, I decided I would start writing a diary. It had been on my mind since the night before, as that night was quite an important one. 

Confidence seems crucial for a person's wellbeing. For as long as I can remember I have lacked it. Environment, temperament... Whatever caused it doesn't really make a difference now. The blissfully oblivious years of childhood, where your way of being was rarely questioned as long as you behaved... They're long gone now. In ways I think I have clung onto them, tried to reach into the person I was and to be her again, that little girl, to not be judged and to not have so many expectations forced on me. Pretending that I'm strong and independent, and ready for everything... I'm not. Not always. But the fact of the matter is that I am a woman, no longer a girl. I am getting older and the expectations aren't becoming any less. 

Let's talk about expectations; fuck expectations. Yet again, they are sometimes in place for a reason. Someone who requires for you to adhere to their subjective ideas of propriety or perfection can go sit on a stick as there are as many kinds of people in the world as there are individual people (did you know that there are 900 million dogs and 600 million cats in the world? I just googled that), although some of them seem inarguably as dry and bland as those 200-year-old hardtack-crackers and thus don't bring much variety. However, a person must start to take responsibility for their actions and decisions at a certain time and age. There are no "but my parents were xyz" or "but I don't have any skills" for a 30-year-old. Very few people will have neither respect, patience or understanding for a self-pitying adult child, as sad as that is. People may need help and support at any stage of their lives after all.

It's comfortable to be unconfident when you spend time alone in your own little bubble. And if to spend enough time inside that bubble, you can almost start to question whether you truly even are unconfident, or if you just had a couple of bad days. I mean, what is there to even be unconfident about when you're kind of fucking awesome! 

...That is, until you step out into the light again and are met with all your raging insecurities, through other people, through their stares, through a painting on the side of a building. I am starting to sound like a life coach. Better stop.

I did stop writing here yesterday, as it was getting late and my favourite person seemed to have trouble falling asleep due to the lights of the laptop screen as well as the typing sounds. Speaking of my favourite person (although I find it difficult to choose between him and my little sister; they both are just on astronomic levels of their own; and then there is also my best friend who is an amazingly beautiful person), this is all because of him. Some people would say he is my partner, some would say a boyfriend. For whatever reason I feel a deep dislike for such words. He is just my *insert name*. I will call him Winter here.

Winter came into my life two years ago. My insecurities almost drove us apart then, but he always persisted. It seemed unheard of to me. Why and how could someone be so patient and forgiving towards me, when all I gave him were micro cuts to his heart over an extensive period of time.

I learned to understand him and his thinking. He saw potential in me, and he decided it was worth investing into. He was willing to do much for me even when I was not there for him; fight for me, without ever disrupting or even approaching me. He was there. I left him there. It was my mistake. If I had just gone to see him then, many more mistakes could have been prevented. But that’s how life is. You don’t get to go back in time, and therefore it’s useless to have regrets. The only thing that can be affected is the future. And so I did. I came back to him. And perhaps it is the best thing I ever did.

Still, it’s not all just a great dance of roses - not without the thorns. I may have made a brave move, a big step, but it didn’t magically wipe out all of my difficulties with self-acceptance and confidence. There will be no great wave to flush it all out into the bottoms of the ocean. It will happen gradually, by implementing small changes day by day, and letting fresh air inside of old moldy, dusty structures.

It’s a little bit funny. I am trying to make someone stay by gaining confidence to be okay on my own. I always thought I was independent, wouldn’t need other people. That’s simply not true. No one wants to stay with a person who depends on them to live a fulfilling life, or uses them to escape from their problems. You need your own dreams and aspirations; you need to be able to see the beauty in yourself and the world around you, standing on your own feet. Never look to others to tell you where to go and what to do. They can not. And it will be awfully selfish of you as well. You need to know.

 

So here’s how you can do it:

1. -       Toss your smart phone into a void, out of the window, or hide it behind lock and key. I don’t care what, just get rid of it. You will never discover anything important about yourself if you have a million distractions keeping you from soul searching.
2. -       SOUL SEARCH! Actively observe and point out things in your behavior that aren’t helpful for growth and self-betterment and/or are toxic. Figure out their origins. Was it your parents? Bad experiences in the past? Fears? A bs society, culture, religion…?
3. -       Forgive others for things you have felt wronged by, and for their flaws. Everyone has their own narrative, their own past affecting them. It is not constructive to grow hatred and bitterness towards people, when that time can be used to nourish the good.
4. -       Forgive yourself for what you have done wrong in the past and focus on the future instead to avoid making the same mistakes again. See yourself more objectively. Whatever you think makes you disgusting or shameful in front of other people is likely not something they pay attention to. And if they do, consider whether that’s really a fault in you or in them, or perhaps in the societal and cultural circumstances. Sometimes you have to be subjective about yourself too, and pick out the things that YOU find valuable about yourself. Cherish those things, because they are SO beautiful.
5. -       Focus on what you find enjoyment in and what interests you, preferably write it down. Make small memos everyday of things you discovered about yourself, good or bad – what matters is how you process the information.
6. -       DO the things you have found enjoyment in, and don’t give up on them. I find I have this cyclic behavior of implementing a new habit for about two weeks, and after that milestone has been reached, I am most vulnerable to quit. And I usually always do. It’s important to be mindful about it.

That’s for starters. Maybe I will think of something new to add into that. I will go eat breakfast now. I’m hungry.

(written on 9th-10th of May)