My heart hurts when I think about the possibility. You and I, going different ways. You, with someone that is not me. Being happier. Livelier. Making your dreams come true, when I couldn't. At first I thought you would stick by me through the hardest of times. I understand that you did through a lot of them, and it is only sane to feel burdened and depressed, when in company of someone who is nearly impossible to make happy. I question myself, why am I like this. Why can I not live as everyone else, without the neurotiscm traveling in my blood, carrying on into my heart and causing me to choke. Why am I here, what am I to do while I'm here. I experience moments of peace, after which the emptiness returns. It is difficult to walk with a big gaping hole in your chest, perhaps even more so when it is a hole your mind created instead of a physical one.
I had that dream. Perhaps I shouldn't have told you about it. You, with a great beard, fooling around with someone new. You loved her, I could tell. You had a cat together, like we're supposed to, were supposed to. I can't tell if I'm jealous. If you must go, then I will let you. But I would like to think it could all work out. Are we too far away from one another to really ever succeed in loving one another? You would surely disagree. You were ready for a lot of things for me. Ready to move here... Ready for anything that would come up. And I wasn't able to provide any answer. Where to, what to do... I still feel so lost. Nervous. Stressed. Anxious. All these words and emotions, or states. I caused you suffering too. It is the last thing I wanted. I caused both our suffering. How to stop doing that? How to stop feeling so... bad? It's like there is always a knot inside my stomach and I can either try to ignore it or hope it goes away, only to return the next day.
I don't know what I want to do. I say that I want you, but then I still question if that is even true. Why do we cling onto people? Are we lazy to find someone new? What's the point in finding someone new? Aloneness scares me a bit I suppose. To do well entirely on my own. To take care of everything myself. To have little contacts. I definitely leaned on you too much. I expected you to solve things for me, because you had done so before, and you were so goddamn good at it too. But it's simply not right.
I may not go to school for now. I do not want to go to university again, for sure. I don't want the pain of making a thesis, and of all the reading, the scientific research papers and sources and bla bla bla. Sucks, all that. I can see myself learning some kind of practical career one day, but perhaps I first need to try things. It was my plan last time too, but I blew it. I didn't have focus. I floated around like a ghost. Perhaps that's what you get when you live in a box, a literal one. Vegetable in a concrete box as you said, when vegetable belongs to where there is grass and green. Today was quite good after all. I was riding my bike and listening to music for the first part of it, going to the swings of my old school, or the one that replaced it, and spending a good while there. There, I decided I wanted to try whittling, making something from wood, with a knife. So I went and bought a whittling knife. It was quite nice. I will want to continue tomorrow. Then at night I went swimming with my sister and it was quite fun. The water was so refreshing (apparently today was the hottest day of the summer so far, something along 30C, but weirdly I didn't really feel it, maybe due to wind) and we spent like an hour there, just swimming, diving, jumping off the pier and throwing rocks in the lake. Reminds me of my childhood summers. Love to swim and be in water.
He's sending my money back for the van. It feels quite sad, but I think if I will have my chance later in the year, going back to him, I might be able to invest in some things. He said it's not a goodbye. He said he will be glad to have me in the van. But it's no longer something that's ours. Perhaps it never really was... And it was difficult to involve myself, or to feel involved. In a way I'm glad it happened like this. But then, I don't really know what's going to happen.
I should spend even less time thinking about my appearance. I should get rid of impractical clothes, and things I no longer enjoy. I have done it a million times by now, but this time I have somewhat of a realistic vision. Back then, I thought I want to be this fairy-like creature, but recently my thoughts and attitude have been shifting. I don't really want all the flashy things anymore. Just simple things. Useful things. Comfortable things. Not to be a "not like other girls" girl, but I really am a bit of a tomboy at heart. Makeup and trends do not appeal to me. I also no longer want to attract attention the way I did when I was a teenager, from men. I know I do attract it, as it kind of happens when you are a female, but I don't "bask" in it. I don't crave it so. I am more so indifferent or irritated by it. I do wish I seemed like an interesting person in terms of friendship but lol, when does that ever happen.
I'm jumping from one topic to next like a bouncy ball. My stomach is all queasy now due to the anxiety. Writing everything down did ease it a bit I think. Perhaps doing this a little bit everyday would be beneficial.
25 ukrainian words.
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